I was too busy indulging in my own thoughts that I hadn't even noticed the circulation was about to start. I looked up from my nails, noticing the rustle of the ladies, who all suddenly erupted into a rush in mending their clothes, smoothing their salon-sleek hair and sitting straight. The guys were coming out of the VIP room where they listened to their set of instructions and therefore they were “hidden” from us before the circulation, which means we would all have “pleasant surprises”. I wondered what the other host had said to the guys. Maybe the guys were all confederates? Or perhaps the girls were confederates too? And it would turn out to be a joke from Mel just to push my lazy ass off my couch and make me start a brave new man-hunting mission, in the hope of getting over Ned.
Ok. No more Ned. Audrey’s going to hit it off with a new decent man tonight. Yuppie!
No. Wait! Wait a minute!
I COULDN’T BELIEVE THIS!
Among the 6 guys who were coming through the door, one of them took the shape of Ned. I rubbed my eyes and then my face, completely forgetting the fact that I had my make-up on. After messing up my face, the Ned-looking guy approached the tables. He shot a glance at me and turned away and turned again.
He was Ned. Definitely Ned. My Ned. I couldn’t have mistaken his 6-foot-3 frame, his brown short just-got-out-of-bed hair (and it’s highly possible that he had actually forgotten to brush it in the morning), his white linen shirt, his old faded blue jeans, his big hands, his round baby eyes, his thin soft lips.
Ned stared at me with wide eyes. I stared back at him, hands trembling under the table. I looked at the tag on his shirt, he’s number 2 and I looked at mine, I was number 6, which means I had to talk to 4 other guys before going face-to-face with Ned.
I wanted to burst into tears. I held it and looked away.
Suddenly, all the Cosmo-Elle-Marie Claire articles I’ve read about ex-boyfriends flashed in my mind.
Tip no. 1--
If you want to get back with your ex, make him realize how important you are in his heart by having fun with other men. And yes, we mean "MAKE HIM JEALOUS".
Yes! Bingo! Make Ned jealous! Laugh with other men! Have fun! Act like I don’t care!
I could do that. Suddenly a gleam of hope lighted up inside me. Maybe Ned did care about me. Maybe he wanted to get back together too. My lips curled up and I felt the first genuine smile ever since I broke up with Ned.
I peeped at Ned, who’s now approaching Girl No.2. He was not looking at me anymore. He must be pretending to be calm too.
And as soon as I collected myself and focused on the situation again, Guy No. 6 has already seated opposite to me.
The first round 3-minute-chat has started. Guy No.6 looked at me curiously. He was a rather short guy with small features. Tiny eyes. Tiny nose. Tiny mouth. If you took them all off his face, I could hold them all in one hand. He was wrapped in a formal black suit, paying his respect to the Mighty Circulation. Hair obediently sticking on his skull, which means too much hair gel.
"Hi, I'm Larry."
"Hi, I'm Audrey."
"Our names rhyme!" Larry grinned excitedly, waiting for me to laugh at his joke.
"Haha, yea."
We were silent for a few seconds. I realized that the 3 minutes were wasting on too much hesitation and awkwardness. I needed to show Ned that I was enjoying myself.
"So, Larry," I cleared my throat, "what do you do?"
Larry looked a little startled. I immediately realized the excessive formality of my tone but I could only come up with the job question, staring at Larry’s formal suit.
"I'm a financial analyst."
"And how do you like it?"
"Um…it’s…very….um…financial."
Being a financial analyst is very financial. Interesting. I peeped at Ned again, he seemed to be engaged in an animated chat with Girl No. 2. Oh no. Please don’t let Ned find his new soul mate.
"Um, actually what exactly do you analyze?" I forced my attention back to Larry.
"Like…a company’s investment potential."
"And?"
"Lending risks."
"Yea?"
"Managerial effectiveness."
"Right."
"Actually it’s very complicated."
"I can see that. And what else do you do besides analyzing…um…finance, like, in your spare time?"
"I play golf."
"Is it fun?"
"Yes, it helps to release the pressure from work."
"How?"
"The environment, the greeneries around, the slow pace of the game…" Larry suddenly leaned a little forward, looked into my eyes and said, "Audrey."
"Yes?" I was scared and leaned backward in response. A wild thought floated in my head. He was not going to propose, was he?
"I feel like being in a job interview..." Larry said with an apologetic smile.
And the 3 minutes was up.
(To be continued)
Written in June 2008
2008年6月30日星期一
2008年6月29日星期日
Speed Dating--Ch.1
I broke up with Ned.
It was a peaceful break-up. We basically gave up without a fight.
I guess it’s because we both got bored of each other after dating since we were both freshmen. Now we’ve been working for a few years, overwhelmed by the "excitement" in the working world, life as a couple became boring. We were bored by the lack of sparks, chemistry, chemical reaction or whatever.
And blah blah blah blah blah...we agreed to break up. I felt I've made the right decision after the long talk with Ned and was proud of both of us that we didn't make the whole thing ugly.
I was wrong.
It’s been three months. It did hurt. It was hard to get used to life waking up without Ned still snoring next to me. Sometimes I made breakfast for two without realizing that Ned was not living in the same apartment anymore. I resisted the temptation to call him when I saw Pearl’s ad. on the upcoming Prison Break Season Two, while recalling the days we snuggled on the couch in front of the TV. I grabbed his arm and he held his breath watching Michael Scofield attempt his break.
And at one sleepless night, I came to realize that, I couldn’t go without Ned.
I called my best friend, Mel. It's been a hundredth time I called her late at night, or should I say, early in the morning?
Mel gave a long sigh and said,"girl, you’ve got to go circulate."
"Circulate?”
"Circulate yourself. Your lone lone self. Let the men out there know that you’re happily single and you’re available for a new romance.”
"Huh?”
"Audrey.”
"Yea?”
"Can you please stop responding with just one word?”
I tried to think of a sentence to say, but all I could come up with to answer my personal 24/7 Agony Aunt was, “well…”
"You know what I’m thinking?”
"What are you thinking?” Ha! I managed to formulate a functional question! Not that bad for a heart-broken-and-emotionally/physically/socially-messed-up girl.
"I’m thinking about Speed Dating.”
"Huh?”
"3 minutes. All you’ve got to do is to talk to a couple of men, each for 3 minutes.”
"Sounds like my kind of thing.”
"You don't have to say much."
"Exactly."
I could visualize Mel rolling her eyes.
A week later, I was wearing this cute little baby doll dress, fresh make-up and this Anna Sui magic romance fragrance.
Magic romance, who doesn’t want one?
But my mind quickly flew back to the memory of how Ned and I met, how I caught his eyes in the university’s orientation camp. How he had led me to the dance floor and waltzed with me (awkwardly) on our first Valentine’s Day. The bunch of white lilies he had given me on my 21st birthday even though I started sneezing after I've insisted on smelling them as an act of appreciation. I was allergic to pollen. The next year he gave me a cactus.
The thought of the cactus which was still alive and healthy in my apartment saddened me.
Ned's gone. Cactus stayed.
Audrey, you’ve got to stop ruminating. You’re here to circulate.
Right.
I forced myself to focus on the reality. I looked around me and there were 5 other girls in this chic French-Italian-or-whatever-fusion restaurant. The girls looked thin and fabulous and sophisticated. Or more they looked calm, not the slightest bit of anxious. I felt embarrassed at my obvious fidgets that were going to get out of control.
We were then invited by the host to sit at individual tables that were about one and a half arms’ length away from each other so that we had “space to enjoy the chat.” The 6 male participants were supposed to circulate and talk to each of us. And then we got to put a “small tick” besides the name of the guys whom we’re interested in. The guys would do the same to our names.
Nice and easy. So that's what circulation was about, huh.
(To be continued)
Written in June 2008
It was a peaceful break-up. We basically gave up without a fight.
I guess it’s because we both got bored of each other after dating since we were both freshmen. Now we’ve been working for a few years, overwhelmed by the "excitement" in the working world, life as a couple became boring. We were bored by the lack of sparks, chemistry, chemical reaction or whatever.
And blah blah blah blah blah...we agreed to break up. I felt I've made the right decision after the long talk with Ned and was proud of both of us that we didn't make the whole thing ugly.
I was wrong.
It’s been three months. It did hurt. It was hard to get used to life waking up without Ned still snoring next to me. Sometimes I made breakfast for two without realizing that Ned was not living in the same apartment anymore. I resisted the temptation to call him when I saw Pearl’s ad. on the upcoming Prison Break Season Two, while recalling the days we snuggled on the couch in front of the TV. I grabbed his arm and he held his breath watching Michael Scofield attempt his break.
And at one sleepless night, I came to realize that, I couldn’t go without Ned.
I called my best friend, Mel. It's been a hundredth time I called her late at night, or should I say, early in the morning?
Mel gave a long sigh and said,"girl, you’ve got to go circulate."
"Circulate?”
"Circulate yourself. Your lone lone self. Let the men out there know that you’re happily single and you’re available for a new romance.”
"Huh?”
"Audrey.”
"Yea?”
"Can you please stop responding with just one word?”
I tried to think of a sentence to say, but all I could come up with to answer my personal 24/7 Agony Aunt was, “well…”
"You know what I’m thinking?”
"What are you thinking?” Ha! I managed to formulate a functional question! Not that bad for a heart-broken-and-emotionally/physically/socially-messed-up girl.
"I’m thinking about Speed Dating.”
"Huh?”
"3 minutes. All you’ve got to do is to talk to a couple of men, each for 3 minutes.”
"Sounds like my kind of thing.”
"You don't have to say much."
"Exactly."
I could visualize Mel rolling her eyes.
A week later, I was wearing this cute little baby doll dress, fresh make-up and this Anna Sui magic romance fragrance.
Magic romance, who doesn’t want one?
But my mind quickly flew back to the memory of how Ned and I met, how I caught his eyes in the university’s orientation camp. How he had led me to the dance floor and waltzed with me (awkwardly) on our first Valentine’s Day. The bunch of white lilies he had given me on my 21st birthday even though I started sneezing after I've insisted on smelling them as an act of appreciation. I was allergic to pollen. The next year he gave me a cactus.
The thought of the cactus which was still alive and healthy in my apartment saddened me.
Ned's gone. Cactus stayed.
Audrey, you’ve got to stop ruminating. You’re here to circulate.
Right.
I forced myself to focus on the reality. I looked around me and there were 5 other girls in this chic French-Italian-or-whatever-fusion restaurant. The girls looked thin and fabulous and sophisticated. Or more they looked calm, not the slightest bit of anxious. I felt embarrassed at my obvious fidgets that were going to get out of control.
We were then invited by the host to sit at individual tables that were about one and a half arms’ length away from each other so that we had “space to enjoy the chat.” The 6 male participants were supposed to circulate and talk to each of us. And then we got to put a “small tick” besides the name of the guys whom we’re interested in. The guys would do the same to our names.
Nice and easy. So that's what circulation was about, huh.
(To be continued)
Written in June 2008
2008年6月28日星期六
Daniel--Ch.6
I used to think that I could always handle the breaking up thing well. In fact, I couldn't. I was like, a little girl tried to apply make up to her face, but has broken the mother's lipstick into half and screwed things all up.
I tried to keep myself busy during the few days before the Monday when Daniel was leaving. I couldn't bear to be alone and idle. Once I was left in a room without something to do, everything about Daniel came intruding to my mind. There were voices in my head and I could only drive them away by doing things. Any kind of things but thinking about Daniel.
I was up in the middle of one night wondering if what I did to Daniel and myself was really right. But what could I have done to make things better? Pretended that I knew nothing about Josephine and that nothing has happened? Or pretended that I didn't mind to be with Daniel even if he has to go back to England and back to Josephine?
I was feeling so ambivalent. I knew it's over for me and Daniel. I ended it myself. But I was still in love with Daniel. I couldn't bear the thought of him going away. But I had to move on anyway. I couldn't turn back time, could I?
Soon Monday has come. I hesitated. I was not sure if I really wanted to meet Daniel at the airport. Seeing Daniel again, might just make it harder for me to forget him.
It took me forever to get dressed and left home for the airport.
On the way to the airport, I wished that I would be late and Daniel would be gone. I arrived and saw Daniel's already there, sitting and reading an Art book, just like the Daniel I used to know. But things have changed.
"Hey." I tried to sound casual but I only sounded awkward.
Daniel looked up and gazed at me for a little while. I felt uncomfortable. That gaze was once which I enjoyed so much. Now I could only feel pain.
"Hi," Daniel said, standing up to greet me, "it's...good to see you here."
"Yea." I said. I couldn't speak properly. I could only murmur a word to respond.
Silence. We stood there, looking down. I didn't know what to do, I just wanted time to fly, fly faster than a rocket, so that it would be time for Daniel to leave and me to go home. I couldn't bear the silence any longer. I couldn't bear to be around Daniel anymore.
All of a sudden, Daniel grabbed my hand. I wanted to shake him off but I couldn't. He pulled me closer and hugged me. I seemed to have lost all my energy. I leaned my head on his shoulder. I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay. We hugged for the rest of the time.
"Look," I said, I heard the call for Daniel's flight, "time to go."
Daniel looked at me and brushed my cheek with his long artist fingers. "You know, Christy," Daniel said, "I've actually, planned to stay with you in Hong Kong some time ago.You know, I can probably apply for some courses in Hong Kong...and..."
"You're insane." I said. I wished Daniel would shut up. I didn't want to hear anything from him anymore, "you still have semesters in England to go."
I pushed Daniel slightly away and said once again, "time to go."
"I love you, Christy." Daniel said. Oh, shut up.
"Go, move on, Daniel." I said and tried hard to smile. Smiled like I don't care.
Daniel hesitated for a while, held my hand, squeezed it, let go, picked up his sack, walked away from me to the departure.
And then he's gone.
I left the airport and got on the airport express. I was going home. My head went blank. I couldn't feel anything. I sat in the train and stared out of the window, but I didn't know what I was staring at. My limbs were weak. I felt like my energy was all drained. It was like, I've lost all my ability to love anyone again.
"Time never fails to heal a wound." you're probably saying this to me now. But Daniel was never a wound. I don't hate him. He has never hurt me.
The feeling is more like, I was chasing after a little yellow butterfly, trying to get hold of it. But once I've caught it, it died in my hands.
"Well, Christy," you say, "maybe it's not a wound, but you're gonna forget it as time goes by."
Yes, you're right, one day, the memory of Daniel will be like a dandelion.
I'm going to blow it, and it'll fly away from my grip, far far far away to somewhere unknown.
I'll watch it go, and never see it again.
--The end--
Written in September 2004
I tried to keep myself busy during the few days before the Monday when Daniel was leaving. I couldn't bear to be alone and idle. Once I was left in a room without something to do, everything about Daniel came intruding to my mind. There were voices in my head and I could only drive them away by doing things. Any kind of things but thinking about Daniel.
I was up in the middle of one night wondering if what I did to Daniel and myself was really right. But what could I have done to make things better? Pretended that I knew nothing about Josephine and that nothing has happened? Or pretended that I didn't mind to be with Daniel even if he has to go back to England and back to Josephine?
I was feeling so ambivalent. I knew it's over for me and Daniel. I ended it myself. But I was still in love with Daniel. I couldn't bear the thought of him going away. But I had to move on anyway. I couldn't turn back time, could I?
Soon Monday has come. I hesitated. I was not sure if I really wanted to meet Daniel at the airport. Seeing Daniel again, might just make it harder for me to forget him.
It took me forever to get dressed and left home for the airport.
On the way to the airport, I wished that I would be late and Daniel would be gone. I arrived and saw Daniel's already there, sitting and reading an Art book, just like the Daniel I used to know. But things have changed.
"Hey." I tried to sound casual but I only sounded awkward.
Daniel looked up and gazed at me for a little while. I felt uncomfortable. That gaze was once which I enjoyed so much. Now I could only feel pain.
"Hi," Daniel said, standing up to greet me, "it's...good to see you here."
"Yea." I said. I couldn't speak properly. I could only murmur a word to respond.
Silence. We stood there, looking down. I didn't know what to do, I just wanted time to fly, fly faster than a rocket, so that it would be time for Daniel to leave and me to go home. I couldn't bear the silence any longer. I couldn't bear to be around Daniel anymore.
All of a sudden, Daniel grabbed my hand. I wanted to shake him off but I couldn't. He pulled me closer and hugged me. I seemed to have lost all my energy. I leaned my head on his shoulder. I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay. We hugged for the rest of the time.
"Look," I said, I heard the call for Daniel's flight, "time to go."
Daniel looked at me and brushed my cheek with his long artist fingers. "You know, Christy," Daniel said, "I've actually, planned to stay with you in Hong Kong some time ago.You know, I can probably apply for some courses in Hong Kong...and..."
"You're insane." I said. I wished Daniel would shut up. I didn't want to hear anything from him anymore, "you still have semesters in England to go."
I pushed Daniel slightly away and said once again, "time to go."
"I love you, Christy." Daniel said. Oh, shut up.
"Go, move on, Daniel." I said and tried hard to smile. Smiled like I don't care.
Daniel hesitated for a while, held my hand, squeezed it, let go, picked up his sack, walked away from me to the departure.
And then he's gone.
I left the airport and got on the airport express. I was going home. My head went blank. I couldn't feel anything. I sat in the train and stared out of the window, but I didn't know what I was staring at. My limbs were weak. I felt like my energy was all drained. It was like, I've lost all my ability to love anyone again.
"Time never fails to heal a wound." you're probably saying this to me now. But Daniel was never a wound. I don't hate him. He has never hurt me.
The feeling is more like, I was chasing after a little yellow butterfly, trying to get hold of it. But once I've caught it, it died in my hands.
"Well, Christy," you say, "maybe it's not a wound, but you're gonna forget it as time goes by."
Yes, you're right, one day, the memory of Daniel will be like a dandelion.
I'm going to blow it, and it'll fly away from my grip, far far far away to somewhere unknown.
I'll watch it go, and never see it again.
--The end--
Written in September 2004
Daniel--Ch.5
After I've deleted that photo of Daniel and the mysterious beauty, my mind was like a mess. It's like my head was filled up with strings, strings crossing each other and finally became a knot that no one could untie.
Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl?
I wanted to ask Daniel. But every time when the question was about to slip out of my mouth I swallowed it back.
Until one day, I've finally got my answer to the question. We were sitting somewhere at the place where we had our first date.
Me and Daniel didn't say anything, just looking out to the sea. Somehow we knew that something was wrong and it has to be solved today. It was just, neither of us had the courage to bring up the topic. I felt like becoming a little kid again, waiting to meet the teacher with my mother for my report card.
Suddenly Daniel took my hand and squeezed it. After a while, he let go of my hand. And then I knew, the moment has come.
"Christy?"
"Yes?"
"I've got something to tell you."
"Go ahead."
"I know I've dragged things on for so long. And I should be telling you this before I kissed you. But I just, I just couldn't pick up the courage to do so."
We were then silent for a while. I knew what he was going to tell me. But I wanted to shut my ears. I just didn't want to hear it from his mouth. But I couldn't hold this silence anymore.
"What's...that thing?" I asked, looking down at my feet.
Silence. Oh please, say it, Daniel, say it.
"I have a girlfriend, in England." Daniel finally said, looking down. The word "girlfriend" echoed in my head. Am I his girlfriend too? Or am I just a substitute? Questions. Thousands of questions came spinning in my head. I couldn't think properly. But Daniel was there, silent, looking down, like he was ready for my questioning.
"What's her name?" I blurted out. To my surprise, this was the only question I could finally fire.
"Josephine." Daniel said.
"Right," I said, "she must be pretty." I knew she was pretty.
Silence again. Oh I couldn't bear it. I had to say something, no matter what.
"Why do you have to tell me this?" I asked, "I mean, Josephine." Daniel looked at me. I turned away. I couldn't looked at his face anymore. I found myself trying hard to forget how he looked, forget that face I've fallen in love with. The artisit. The perfect guy.
"Because I've fallen in love with you." Daniel said.
Oh no. Please. Not this again.
It was not that I didn't believe in his words. I knew that it was true when he said "I love you" I just knew from the way he said it. I just knew. But I couldn't bear it anymore. I wanted to leave. But every word he said, every single word, seemed to be invisible hands pushing me back.
I had to end it anyway.
"You know what, Daniel?" I said, "I think it's over."
Daniel looked down again.
"I mean, you and me, it's over." I said.
Daniel said nothing.
I took a deep breath.
"You know," I said, "it's not just Josephine. It's the whole thing. It's getting harder for me to be with you. You know, trying so hard to be witty, pretending that I know so much about Art. It's hard. It's so hard for me. And I just, you know, don't want to be that Christy in your mind anymore."
I didn't mean it. No I didn't. I've never been that true to myself before I met Daniel.
"I'm sorry." Daniel said, still looking down. I couldn't look at him. I knew I have hurt him. And I was hurting myself at the same time.
"Don't be," I said, "you really don't have to be sorry, Daniel. It's me. And this thing is going to end anyway, isn't it? You're going back to England and I'm staying in Hong Kong. It won't work out." No, I think it's going to work out when Daniel kissed me.
Daniel rubbed his face with his hands. I looked out to the sea, bit my lips and tried hard not to let my tears fall. Why should it end in this way? Why should I end it by myself?
"So," I said finally, "let's shake hands and say goodbye?" I secretly wished that Daniel would say no. Daniel looked at me and said, "Christy, I'm leaving next Monday." The way he pronounced my name was still like the old days. It broke my heart.
"I know." I said, forcing myself to look at him.
"I know I shouldn't be asking this, but," Daniel said, "will you meet me at the airport on Monday?"
"Why?" I asked. Why? Why did he want to see me even I had said these things to hurt him?
"Because I want to see you." Daniel said, "I love you but I have hurt you. It's okay to say no, Christy."
"I want to see you too." I blurted out. This was true. This was true. I wanted to see him. I wanted to see him for the rest of my life. But it's impossible now.
"Let's meet on Monday then." Daniel said and tried to smile. But his eyes told me that he's not smiling.
We shaked hands. And held each other's hand for a little while. Then we parted.
Tears ran down my face like I couldn't control them.
Written in September 2004
Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl?
I wanted to ask Daniel. But every time when the question was about to slip out of my mouth I swallowed it back.
Until one day, I've finally got my answer to the question. We were sitting somewhere at the place where we had our first date.
Me and Daniel didn't say anything, just looking out to the sea. Somehow we knew that something was wrong and it has to be solved today. It was just, neither of us had the courage to bring up the topic. I felt like becoming a little kid again, waiting to meet the teacher with my mother for my report card.
Suddenly Daniel took my hand and squeezed it. After a while, he let go of my hand. And then I knew, the moment has come.
"Christy?"
"Yes?"
"I've got something to tell you."
"Go ahead."
"I know I've dragged things on for so long. And I should be telling you this before I kissed you. But I just, I just couldn't pick up the courage to do so."
We were then silent for a while. I knew what he was going to tell me. But I wanted to shut my ears. I just didn't want to hear it from his mouth. But I couldn't hold this silence anymore.
"What's...that thing?" I asked, looking down at my feet.
Silence. Oh please, say it, Daniel, say it.
"I have a girlfriend, in England." Daniel finally said, looking down. The word "girlfriend" echoed in my head. Am I his girlfriend too? Or am I just a substitute? Questions. Thousands of questions came spinning in my head. I couldn't think properly. But Daniel was there, silent, looking down, like he was ready for my questioning.
"What's her name?" I blurted out. To my surprise, this was the only question I could finally fire.
"Josephine." Daniel said.
"Right," I said, "she must be pretty." I knew she was pretty.
Silence again. Oh I couldn't bear it. I had to say something, no matter what.
"Why do you have to tell me this?" I asked, "I mean, Josephine." Daniel looked at me. I turned away. I couldn't looked at his face anymore. I found myself trying hard to forget how he looked, forget that face I've fallen in love with. The artisit. The perfect guy.
"Because I've fallen in love with you." Daniel said.
Oh no. Please. Not this again.
It was not that I didn't believe in his words. I knew that it was true when he said "I love you" I just knew from the way he said it. I just knew. But I couldn't bear it anymore. I wanted to leave. But every word he said, every single word, seemed to be invisible hands pushing me back.
I had to end it anyway.
"You know what, Daniel?" I said, "I think it's over."
Daniel looked down again.
"I mean, you and me, it's over." I said.
Daniel said nothing.
I took a deep breath.
"You know," I said, "it's not just Josephine. It's the whole thing. It's getting harder for me to be with you. You know, trying so hard to be witty, pretending that I know so much about Art. It's hard. It's so hard for me. And I just, you know, don't want to be that Christy in your mind anymore."
I didn't mean it. No I didn't. I've never been that true to myself before I met Daniel.
"I'm sorry." Daniel said, still looking down. I couldn't look at him. I knew I have hurt him. And I was hurting myself at the same time.
"Don't be," I said, "you really don't have to be sorry, Daniel. It's me. And this thing is going to end anyway, isn't it? You're going back to England and I'm staying in Hong Kong. It won't work out." No, I think it's going to work out when Daniel kissed me.
Daniel rubbed his face with his hands. I looked out to the sea, bit my lips and tried hard not to let my tears fall. Why should it end in this way? Why should I end it by myself?
"So," I said finally, "let's shake hands and say goodbye?" I secretly wished that Daniel would say no. Daniel looked at me and said, "Christy, I'm leaving next Monday." The way he pronounced my name was still like the old days. It broke my heart.
"I know." I said, forcing myself to look at him.
"I know I shouldn't be asking this, but," Daniel said, "will you meet me at the airport on Monday?"
"Why?" I asked. Why? Why did he want to see me even I had said these things to hurt him?
"Because I want to see you." Daniel said, "I love you but I have hurt you. It's okay to say no, Christy."
"I want to see you too." I blurted out. This was true. This was true. I wanted to see him. I wanted to see him for the rest of my life. But it's impossible now.
"Let's meet on Monday then." Daniel said and tried to smile. But his eyes told me that he's not smiling.
We shaked hands. And held each other's hand for a little while. Then we parted.
Tears ran down my face like I couldn't control them.
Written in September 2004
Daniel--Ch.4
The rain was still dropping violently when mine and Daniel's lips parted. Time seemed to have frozen and my mind seemed to have stopped functioning. All I could hear is Daniel's name echoing in my head, the sound of raindrops and Daniel's breath.
It seemed to take forever for the rain to stop. Me and Daniel held hands and stood silently, watching the rain drop against the ground. I couldn't help smiling. The silence was magical, it was like, we knew what each other's thinking even if we did not make a sound.
That day was like a miracle to me.
I often daydreamed about the kiss even when me and Daniel went out together. When we were watching movies, those kissing scenes made me want to grab Daniel and kiss him again. When Daniel moved closer to me, I couldn't stop myself from looking at his lips.
My mind was so full of Daniel. I couldn't place another person in my heart but him.
Things seemed to go well between me and Daniel. But with that special intuition of a girl, I sensed that something was wrong but I didn't know what it was. Why should every girl in love be gifted with this kind of intuition?
One day I was in the record store with Daniel. Coldplay's "Yellow" was in the air. Chris Martin's voice was always that melancholic, it was like he was yelling for something he couldn't reach, which was the reason why I didn't really like Coldplay.
When the song reached the crescendo, Daniel suddenly looked at me and my heart throbbed at that moment. His eyes always have that kind of force which seemed to draw me deep inside them.
"You know what, Christy," Daniel said, " this song always reminds me of you."
"Why?" I asked jokingly, "coz I'm all yellow?"
"No!" Daniel said and laughed.
"Then tell me why." I said.
"I don't know," Daniel said, "you always come to my mind when I hear the melody."
"Thank you for thinking of me." I said and smiled. I felt sweetness rising in my heart when Daniel said I always come to his mind.
"I love you, Christy," Daniel said, looking at me. He was then silent for a while like he was thinking about something seriously. "I really do." Daniel finally said. I was touched but at the same time, I felt a surge of coldness in my heart when I heard that, I didn't know what trembled me, but I felt like, I was sure of something was wrong. Something about Daniel's tone when he said "I really do" told me that, but I couldn't tell what was wrong with that tone.
I didn't confess to Daniel about this strange feeling. I'm so scared that if I told him, he would be taken away from me. I tried to act as normal as I could.
On the same day, in the evening, I checked my e-mail as usual after I went back home. "You have 0 unread message." Yahoo told me. When I was about to signed out, I saw an e-mail from Sam long long time ago with a photo attachment. I remembered that was a photo of a group of people, Sam's friends I supposed.
I clicked opened the attachment and scanned through the photo. I searched for Daniel's face. I found him and then I looked to the person standing next to him.
A girl. An incredibly attractive girl with hair like golden waterfall and a perfect body like Gisele. Daniel's arms wrapped around her shoulder and she leaned on Daniel, just like a couple.
I felt pain, like I was being stabbed by a sword. I immediately clicked the "delete" button.
"Are you sure you want to delete all messages?" Yahoo asked me.
No I was not sure. I was not sure about anything. No. No. I felt like I have lost my train of thoughts.
I deleted it anyway.
Written in September 2004
It seemed to take forever for the rain to stop. Me and Daniel held hands and stood silently, watching the rain drop against the ground. I couldn't help smiling. The silence was magical, it was like, we knew what each other's thinking even if we did not make a sound.
That day was like a miracle to me.
I often daydreamed about the kiss even when me and Daniel went out together. When we were watching movies, those kissing scenes made me want to grab Daniel and kiss him again. When Daniel moved closer to me, I couldn't stop myself from looking at his lips.
My mind was so full of Daniel. I couldn't place another person in my heart but him.
Things seemed to go well between me and Daniel. But with that special intuition of a girl, I sensed that something was wrong but I didn't know what it was. Why should every girl in love be gifted with this kind of intuition?
One day I was in the record store with Daniel. Coldplay's "Yellow" was in the air. Chris Martin's voice was always that melancholic, it was like he was yelling for something he couldn't reach, which was the reason why I didn't really like Coldplay.
When the song reached the crescendo, Daniel suddenly looked at me and my heart throbbed at that moment. His eyes always have that kind of force which seemed to draw me deep inside them.
"You know what, Christy," Daniel said, " this song always reminds me of you."
"Why?" I asked jokingly, "coz I'm all yellow?"
"No!" Daniel said and laughed.
"Then tell me why." I said.
"I don't know," Daniel said, "you always come to my mind when I hear the melody."
"Thank you for thinking of me." I said and smiled. I felt sweetness rising in my heart when Daniel said I always come to his mind.
"I love you, Christy," Daniel said, looking at me. He was then silent for a while like he was thinking about something seriously. "I really do." Daniel finally said. I was touched but at the same time, I felt a surge of coldness in my heart when I heard that, I didn't know what trembled me, but I felt like, I was sure of something was wrong. Something about Daniel's tone when he said "I really do" told me that, but I couldn't tell what was wrong with that tone.
I didn't confess to Daniel about this strange feeling. I'm so scared that if I told him, he would be taken away from me. I tried to act as normal as I could.
On the same day, in the evening, I checked my e-mail as usual after I went back home. "You have 0 unread message." Yahoo told me. When I was about to signed out, I saw an e-mail from Sam long long time ago with a photo attachment. I remembered that was a photo of a group of people, Sam's friends I supposed.
I clicked opened the attachment and scanned through the photo. I searched for Daniel's face. I found him and then I looked to the person standing next to him.
A girl. An incredibly attractive girl with hair like golden waterfall and a perfect body like Gisele. Daniel's arms wrapped around her shoulder and she leaned on Daniel, just like a couple.
I felt pain, like I was being stabbed by a sword. I immediately clicked the "delete" button.
"Are you sure you want to delete all messages?" Yahoo asked me.
No I was not sure. I was not sure about anything. No. No. I felt like I have lost my train of thoughts.
I deleted it anyway.
Written in September 2004
Daniel--Ch.3
One day Daniel brought along with him a portfolio.
"I have this big black portfolio too. It made me feel like an artist when I used it to carry my things to the Art exam in March." I said, looking at his portfolio, wondering what Art works he would have inside, "you know, everyone's thinking you must have some masterpieces inside."
"Mine certainly aren't masterpieces." Daniel said and smiled.
"Mind letting me take a look?" I asked.
"No, of course I don't," Daniel said and unzipped the portfolio, "I'm in urgent need of some constructive criticism. Ha."
"Oh wow..." I was impressed by his drawings and paintings. My amazement was beyond words. Looking at Daniel's paintings and sketches, I felt a kind of crave, for something that I could not understand. "They're really great." I said.
A particular painting caught my eyes. It was an abstract painting with a range of colors but nevertheless a harmonious combination. There were a lot of swirls and twists, the painting seemed to be alive.
"What's this painting about?" I asked.
"What do you think?" Daniel said.
"It's like...fairies dancing." I said and flushed, embarrased by my silly answer.
Daniel was quiet and looked at his own painting for a few seconds. And then he said and grinned genially, eyes twinkling with amusement, "This is interesting. Fairies dance...you're a romantic, Christy."
I always feel a little bit thrilled when Daniel pronounced my name. My feelings for him grew stronger and stronger after each date. At first, he was like a long lost friend to me, who I would never run out of conversation with. Then I started to want him more, filling my mind with him everyday, secretly trying to brush his arms with mine when we met but was too scared to do so. When he frowned because of the bright sunshine, I wanted to brushed his eyebrows with my fingers.
Suddenly I felt raindrops, "gosh, is it raining?" I asked anxiously and quickly put the paintings inside his portfolio. The raindrops became bigger and bigger and it actually hurt when the rain dropped against me. Luckily, the paintings were safe.
"Okay, let's run and find a shelter." Daniel said and grabbed my hand. The moment when he grabbed my hand, my head went blank, I seemed to know nothing but to follow him, I felt like, with Daniel, I would be safe.
Finally we found a shelter. The rain was so heavy that me and Daniel were all wet and I felt that my clothes were sticking tight to my skin. Daniel's hair was a mess and dripping wet and I tried to resist the temptation to smooth them.
"Oh my God," Daniel said, "we're soaked."
We bursted into laughter.
"You know, I never have the patience to wait until the rain stops." I said.
"What will you do?" Daniel said.
"I will run like a mad woman." I said and laughed.
We were silent for a few seconds. He kept holding my hand.
Then Daniel suddenly pulled me close to him and said, "you know what I'm going to do?" "What?" I asked and looked down to my feet, my heart was beating real fast.
"I'm not letting you go, we're going to stay until the rain stops." Daniel said.
It seemed my heart stopped at the moment when he told me to stay. I couldn't breathe. I was so nervous that I thought I was going to bursted into tears.
Daniel ran his long artist fingers through my wet hair, then smoothly traced them from my forehead to my cheek. His fingers were warm, and the whole place seemed to be heated up by him. My heart was racing and I couldn't look into his eyes. I was falling into a whirlpool. I was dizzingly in love with this guy. This guy who seemed to be flawless.
Daniel slowly raised my chin with his warm fingers and then the next minute, his thin and soft lips were pressed against mine. A little voice screamed inside my head, "no, I'm dreaming, wake up, Christy, wake up!!"
But it was not a dream. It was real, this perfect guy was kissing me. Oh.
Written in September 2004
"I have this big black portfolio too. It made me feel like an artist when I used it to carry my things to the Art exam in March." I said, looking at his portfolio, wondering what Art works he would have inside, "you know, everyone's thinking you must have some masterpieces inside."
"Mine certainly aren't masterpieces." Daniel said and smiled.
"Mind letting me take a look?" I asked.
"No, of course I don't," Daniel said and unzipped the portfolio, "I'm in urgent need of some constructive criticism. Ha."
"Oh wow..." I was impressed by his drawings and paintings. My amazement was beyond words. Looking at Daniel's paintings and sketches, I felt a kind of crave, for something that I could not understand. "They're really great." I said.
A particular painting caught my eyes. It was an abstract painting with a range of colors but nevertheless a harmonious combination. There were a lot of swirls and twists, the painting seemed to be alive.
"What's this painting about?" I asked.
"What do you think?" Daniel said.
"It's like...fairies dancing." I said and flushed, embarrased by my silly answer.
Daniel was quiet and looked at his own painting for a few seconds. And then he said and grinned genially, eyes twinkling with amusement, "This is interesting. Fairies dance...you're a romantic, Christy."
I always feel a little bit thrilled when Daniel pronounced my name. My feelings for him grew stronger and stronger after each date. At first, he was like a long lost friend to me, who I would never run out of conversation with. Then I started to want him more, filling my mind with him everyday, secretly trying to brush his arms with mine when we met but was too scared to do so. When he frowned because of the bright sunshine, I wanted to brushed his eyebrows with my fingers.
Suddenly I felt raindrops, "gosh, is it raining?" I asked anxiously and quickly put the paintings inside his portfolio. The raindrops became bigger and bigger and it actually hurt when the rain dropped against me. Luckily, the paintings were safe.
"Okay, let's run and find a shelter." Daniel said and grabbed my hand. The moment when he grabbed my hand, my head went blank, I seemed to know nothing but to follow him, I felt like, with Daniel, I would be safe.
Finally we found a shelter. The rain was so heavy that me and Daniel were all wet and I felt that my clothes were sticking tight to my skin. Daniel's hair was a mess and dripping wet and I tried to resist the temptation to smooth them.
"Oh my God," Daniel said, "we're soaked."
We bursted into laughter.
"You know, I never have the patience to wait until the rain stops." I said.
"What will you do?" Daniel said.
"I will run like a mad woman." I said and laughed.
We were silent for a few seconds. He kept holding my hand.
Then Daniel suddenly pulled me close to him and said, "you know what I'm going to do?" "What?" I asked and looked down to my feet, my heart was beating real fast.
"I'm not letting you go, we're going to stay until the rain stops." Daniel said.
It seemed my heart stopped at the moment when he told me to stay. I couldn't breathe. I was so nervous that I thought I was going to bursted into tears.
Daniel ran his long artist fingers through my wet hair, then smoothly traced them from my forehead to my cheek. His fingers were warm, and the whole place seemed to be heated up by him. My heart was racing and I couldn't look into his eyes. I was falling into a whirlpool. I was dizzingly in love with this guy. This guy who seemed to be flawless.
Daniel slowly raised my chin with his warm fingers and then the next minute, his thin and soft lips were pressed against mine. A little voice screamed inside my head, "no, I'm dreaming, wake up, Christy, wake up!!"
But it was not a dream. It was real, this perfect guy was kissing me. Oh.
Written in September 2004
Daniel--Ch.2
Daniel has a pair of small eyes. When the sun shone brightly on Daniel, his eyes would become two lines, and then I would say to him, "oh you seem to have no eye."
On the day we met for the very first time, the sun was so bright that golden sand seemed to be flowing on the sea. I went to the place where we have arranged to meet 15 minutes earlier, coz I'm never that kind of person who think that being "fashionably" late is the right of a girl. However, there Daniel was, leaning on the fence, looking out to the sea.
Ooops...I was..."fashionably" late.
Some kind of force made me stand still at where I was, about a mile away from Daniel. I knew if I stand there for any longer, I wouldn't be "fashionably" late but "very" late instead, however, I just wanted to stay there and looked at Daniel from a distance. It made me feel good, but I don't know why.
Daniel was wearing a short sleeve shirt with brown checks on it and a pair of blue jeans, which looked really good on him. He was tall. Suddenly he turned around as if he had realized that I was looking at him. I quickly looked down and unzipped my shoudler bag, pretended to be searching for something.
"That is so silly of me," I thought.
I looked up and walked towards him. A broad smile was on his face (his eyes became two lines because of the bright sunshine and I think that was really cute), and that made me feel more embarrased by my own foolishness.
"Hi," Daniel said, "nice to meet you, Christy." There was always something special about the way he called my name. I couldn't tell how he pronounced my name in a way that was so different from the others. But it was special. It was like, there was no one else in this world who's called "Christy" but me.
"Hi, nice to meet you too, Daniel." I said.
"So...here you go the book from Sam." Daniel said, still smiling.
"Thanks a lot," I said, his smile was infectious, I found myself smiling too, "it's so much trouble."
"No, not at all." Daniel said.
"Thanks, really." I said.
"You're welcome." Daniel said.
We were silent for a few seconds.
"Are you interested in Art?" Daniel asked, "coz you have this Art book and I'm just wondering."
"Oh yea, though I don't have much talent in that." I said.
"Are you sure? This book is definitely a very good read. I read it two years ago." Daniel said with his casual smile.
"So...You're interested in Art too?" I asked.
"Oh yes I am...actually, I'm taking Fine Arts in the university." Daniel said.
"You are?" I was impressed, so this guy was an artist, "I had taken Art for like, two years."
"Look, Christy."
"Yes?"
"Do you wanna sit down somewhere else so that we can talk, um, about Art?"
"Art." I let out a small laugh, "that'll be great."
And that was the first date.
Written in September 2004
On the day we met for the very first time, the sun was so bright that golden sand seemed to be flowing on the sea. I went to the place where we have arranged to meet 15 minutes earlier, coz I'm never that kind of person who think that being "fashionably" late is the right of a girl. However, there Daniel was, leaning on the fence, looking out to the sea.
Ooops...I was..."fashionably" late.
Some kind of force made me stand still at where I was, about a mile away from Daniel. I knew if I stand there for any longer, I wouldn't be "fashionably" late but "very" late instead, however, I just wanted to stay there and looked at Daniel from a distance. It made me feel good, but I don't know why.
Daniel was wearing a short sleeve shirt with brown checks on it and a pair of blue jeans, which looked really good on him. He was tall. Suddenly he turned around as if he had realized that I was looking at him. I quickly looked down and unzipped my shoudler bag, pretended to be searching for something.
"That is so silly of me," I thought.
I looked up and walked towards him. A broad smile was on his face (his eyes became two lines because of the bright sunshine and I think that was really cute), and that made me feel more embarrased by my own foolishness.
"Hi," Daniel said, "nice to meet you, Christy." There was always something special about the way he called my name. I couldn't tell how he pronounced my name in a way that was so different from the others. But it was special. It was like, there was no one else in this world who's called "Christy" but me.
"Hi, nice to meet you too, Daniel." I said.
"So...here you go the book from Sam." Daniel said, still smiling.
"Thanks a lot," I said, his smile was infectious, I found myself smiling too, "it's so much trouble."
"No, not at all." Daniel said.
"Thanks, really." I said.
"You're welcome." Daniel said.
We were silent for a few seconds.
"Are you interested in Art?" Daniel asked, "coz you have this Art book and I'm just wondering."
"Oh yea, though I don't have much talent in that." I said.
"Are you sure? This book is definitely a very good read. I read it two years ago." Daniel said with his casual smile.
"So...You're interested in Art too?" I asked.
"Oh yes I am...actually, I'm taking Fine Arts in the university." Daniel said.
"You are?" I was impressed, so this guy was an artist, "I had taken Art for like, two years."
"Look, Christy."
"Yes?"
"Do you wanna sit down somewhere else so that we can talk, um, about Art?"
"Art." I let out a small laugh, "that'll be great."
And that was the first date.
Written in September 2004
Daniel--Ch. 1
"Time never fails to heal a wound."
Everyone said that to me when I told them about me and Daniel.
Sometimes I wonder if what had happened between me and Daniel really caused me pain or melancholy that I need time to heal my "wound".
I've always felt like, Daniel was just a dream, and that our encounter was just my own imagination which left me with that vacant feeling in my heart. After all, every summer love, does feel like a dream, or a teen movie, which you immediately forget what the film was about 10 minutes after you've walked out of the theatre.
Daniel's face is so vague now in my memory, but the feelings for him, is still here, which sometimes scares me at sleepless nights.
I met Daniel last summer.
He was a friend of Sam's, my ex-boyfriend, in England. Last summer, Sam was supposed to be back in Hong Kong and at the same time he was supposed to be returning a book I've left with him when we broke up.
Clinche does happen.
Sam, who was busy preparing for his thesis, failed to make it back to Hong Kong. And yes, you can predict how the story goes, can't you?
Sam asked his friend, Daniel, who would be coming back to Hong Kong, to return the book to me.
I still wonder now why Sam was so anxious about returning the book, he might as well mail it to me. Sometimes I doubt if he was trying to set things up for me and Daniel. And so, there we were, me and Daniel, meeting each other face to face for the very first time, somewhere at the seaside.
Written in September 2004
Everyone said that to me when I told them about me and Daniel.
Sometimes I wonder if what had happened between me and Daniel really caused me pain or melancholy that I need time to heal my "wound".
I've always felt like, Daniel was just a dream, and that our encounter was just my own imagination which left me with that vacant feeling in my heart. After all, every summer love, does feel like a dream, or a teen movie, which you immediately forget what the film was about 10 minutes after you've walked out of the theatre.
Daniel's face is so vague now in my memory, but the feelings for him, is still here, which sometimes scares me at sleepless nights.
I met Daniel last summer.
He was a friend of Sam's, my ex-boyfriend, in England. Last summer, Sam was supposed to be back in Hong Kong and at the same time he was supposed to be returning a book I've left with him when we broke up.
Clinche does happen.
Sam, who was busy preparing for his thesis, failed to make it back to Hong Kong. And yes, you can predict how the story goes, can't you?
Sam asked his friend, Daniel, who would be coming back to Hong Kong, to return the book to me.
I still wonder now why Sam was so anxious about returning the book, he might as well mail it to me. Sometimes I doubt if he was trying to set things up for me and Daniel. And so, there we were, me and Daniel, meeting each other face to face for the very first time, somewhere at the seaside.
Written in September 2004
Musing of sentiment
This is where I put the stories I've been composing in my head.
Visualization of episodes that I don't own, nevertheless crave to have, in the boredom of reality.
Fictionality has always been the corner of peaceful escape, the green field where imagination runs wild, the lives that I won't live and the people who I won't become.
This is a testimonial that records minutes of romantic mania, by no means serious literary inventions.
Visualization of episodes that I don't own, nevertheless crave to have, in the boredom of reality.
Fictionality has always been the corner of peaceful escape, the green field where imagination runs wild, the lives that I won't live and the people who I won't become.
This is a testimonial that records minutes of romantic mania, by no means serious literary inventions.
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