Daniel--Ch.5

After I've deleted that photo of Daniel and the mysterious beauty, my mind was like a mess. It's like my head was filled up with strings, strings crossing each other and finally became a knot that no one could untie.

Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl?

I wanted to ask Daniel. But every time when the question was about to slip out of my mouth I swallowed it back.

Until one day, I've finally got my answer to the question. We were sitting somewhere at the place where we had our first date.

Me and Daniel didn't say anything, just looking out to the sea. Somehow we knew that something was wrong and it has to be solved today. It was just, neither of us had the courage to bring up the topic. I felt like becoming a little kid again, waiting to meet the teacher with my mother for my report card.

Suddenly Daniel took my hand and squeezed it. After a while, he let go of my hand. And then I knew, the moment has come.

"Christy?"
"Yes?"
"I've got something to tell you."
"Go ahead."
"I know I've dragged things on for so long. And I should be telling you this before I kissed you. But I just, I just couldn't pick up the courage to do so."

We were then silent for a while. I knew what he was going to tell me. But I wanted to shut my ears. I just didn't want to hear it from his mouth. But I couldn't hold this silence anymore.

"What's...that thing?" I asked, looking down at my feet.

Silence. Oh please, say it, Daniel, say it.

"I have a girlfriend, in England." Daniel finally said, looking down. The word "girlfriend" echoed in my head. Am I his girlfriend too? Or am I just a substitute? Questions. Thousands of questions came spinning in my head. I couldn't think properly. But Daniel was there, silent, looking down, like he was ready for my questioning.

"What's her name?" I blurted out. To my surprise, this was the only question I could finally fire.
"Josephine." Daniel said.
"Right," I said, "she must be pretty." I knew she was pretty.

Silence again. Oh I couldn't bear it. I had to say something, no matter what.

"Why do you have to tell me this?" I asked, "I mean, Josephine." Daniel looked at me. I turned away. I couldn't looked at his face anymore. I found myself trying hard to forget how he looked, forget that face I've fallen in love with. The artisit. The perfect guy.

"Because I've fallen in love with you." Daniel said.

Oh no. Please. Not this again.

It was not that I didn't believe in his words. I knew that it was true when he said "I love you" I just knew from the way he said it. I just knew. But I couldn't bear it anymore. I wanted to leave. But every word he said, every single word, seemed to be invisible hands pushing me back.

I had to end it anyway.

"You know what, Daniel?" I said, "I think it's over."
Daniel looked down again.
"I mean, you and me, it's over." I said.
Daniel said nothing.
I took a deep breath.
"You know," I said, "it's not just Josephine. It's the whole thing. It's getting harder for me to be with you. You know, trying so hard to be witty, pretending that I know so much about Art. It's hard. It's so hard for me. And I just, you know, don't want to be that Christy in your mind anymore."

I didn't mean it. No I didn't. I've never been that true to myself before I met Daniel.

"I'm sorry." Daniel said, still looking down. I couldn't look at him. I knew I have hurt him. And I was hurting myself at the same time.
"Don't be," I said, "you really don't have to be sorry, Daniel. It's me. And this thing is going to end anyway, isn't it? You're going back to England and I'm staying in Hong Kong. It won't work out." No, I think it's going to work out when Daniel kissed me.

Daniel rubbed his face with his hands. I looked out to the sea, bit my lips and tried hard not to let my tears fall. Why should it end in this way? Why should I end it by myself?

"So," I said finally, "let's shake hands and say goodbye?" I secretly wished that Daniel would say no. Daniel looked at me and said, "Christy, I'm leaving next Monday." The way he pronounced my name was still like the old days. It broke my heart.

"I know." I said, forcing myself to look at him.
"I know I shouldn't be asking this, but," Daniel said, "will you meet me at the airport on Monday?"
"Why?" I asked. Why? Why did he want to see me even I had said these things to hurt him?
"Because I want to see you." Daniel said, "I love you but I have hurt you. It's okay to say no, Christy."
"I want to see you too." I blurted out. This was true. This was true. I wanted to see him. I wanted to see him for the rest of my life. But it's impossible now.
"Let's meet on Monday then." Daniel said and tried to smile. But his eyes told me that he's not smiling.

We shaked hands. And held each other's hand for a little while. Then we parted.

Tears ran down my face like I couldn't control them.




Written in September 2004