Daniel--Ch.6

I used to think that I could always handle the breaking up thing well. In fact, I couldn't. I was like, a little girl tried to apply make up to her face, but has broken the mother's lipstick into half and screwed things all up.

I tried to keep myself busy during the few days before the Monday when Daniel was leaving. I couldn't bear to be alone and idle. Once I was left in a room without something to do, everything about Daniel came intruding to my mind. There were voices in my head and I could only drive them away by doing things. Any kind of things but thinking about Daniel.

I was up in the middle of one night wondering if what I did to Daniel and myself was really right. But what could I have done to make things better? Pretended that I knew nothing about Josephine and that nothing has happened? Or pretended that I didn't mind to be with Daniel even if he has to go back to England and back to Josephine?

I was feeling so ambivalent. I knew it's over for me and Daniel. I ended it myself. But I was still in love with Daniel. I couldn't bear the thought of him going away. But I had to move on anyway. I couldn't turn back time, could I?

Soon Monday has come. I hesitated. I was not sure if I really wanted to meet Daniel at the airport. Seeing Daniel again, might just make it harder for me to forget him.

It took me forever to get dressed and left home for the airport.

On the way to the airport, I wished that I would be late and Daniel would be gone. I arrived and saw Daniel's already there, sitting and reading an Art book, just like the Daniel I used to know. But things have changed.

"Hey." I tried to sound casual but I only sounded awkward.
Daniel looked up and gazed at me for a little while. I felt uncomfortable. That gaze was once which I enjoyed so much. Now I could only feel pain.
"Hi," Daniel said, standing up to greet me, "it's...good to see you here."
"Yea." I said. I couldn't speak properly. I could only murmur a word to respond.

Silence. We stood there, looking down. I didn't know what to do, I just wanted time to fly, fly faster than a rocket, so that it would be time for Daniel to leave and me to go home. I couldn't bear the silence any longer. I couldn't bear to be around Daniel anymore.

All of a sudden, Daniel grabbed my hand. I wanted to shake him off but I couldn't. He pulled me closer and hugged me. I seemed to have lost all my energy. I leaned my head on his shoulder. I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay. We hugged for the rest of the time.

"Look," I said, I heard the call for Daniel's flight, "time to go."
Daniel looked at me and brushed my cheek with his long artist fingers. "You know, Christy," Daniel said, "I've actually, planned to stay with you in Hong Kong some time ago.You know, I can probably apply for some courses in Hong Kong...and..."
"You're insane." I said. I wished Daniel would shut up. I didn't want to hear anything from him anymore, "you still have semesters in England to go."
I pushed Daniel slightly away and said once again, "time to go."
"I love you, Christy." Daniel said. Oh, shut up.
"Go, move on, Daniel." I said and tried hard to smile. Smiled like I don't care.

Daniel hesitated for a while, held my hand, squeezed it, let go, picked up his sack, walked away from me to the departure.

And then he's gone.

I left the airport and got on the airport express. I was going home. My head went blank. I couldn't feel anything. I sat in the train and stared out of the window, but I didn't know what I was staring at. My limbs were weak. I felt like my energy was all drained. It was like, I've lost all my ability to love anyone again.

"Time never fails to heal a wound." you're probably saying this to me now. But Daniel was never a wound. I don't hate him. He has never hurt me.

The feeling is more like, I was chasing after a little yellow butterfly, trying to get hold of it. But once I've caught it, it died in my hands.

"Well, Christy," you say, "maybe it's not a wound, but you're gonna forget it as time goes by."

Yes, you're right, one day, the memory of Daniel will be like a dandelion.

I'm going to blow it, and it'll fly away from my grip, far far far away to somewhere unknown.

I'll watch it go, and never see it again.

--The end--


Written in September 2004